dolliegaggle

It's time for another Good Idea, Bad Idea (and anyone out there who hasn't seen Animaniacs should be ASHAMED of yourselves).

Good idea: Fixing Darcy's wonky vision.
Bad idea: ... by RIPPING OFF HER HEAD AND REPLACING HER *EYES*! I had no idea the meatbag was such a sadist.

Good idea: Getting glasses for Maddie's wonky vision, finally.
Bad idea: Making her look like the four-eyed nerd she really is.
Worse idea: Making it even easier for her to tear through books and pester me to do the same.

Good idea: Buying me awesome new swag such as the new hot pink snowflake sweater that came in the mail today. Apparently it used to belong to some girl named Mia, but I rock this thing harder than she ever could.
Bad idea: Are you kidding? There is no downside to getting me swag.

Good idea: Discovering the meatbag's plans to travel and plotting to hide away in her suitcase.
Bad idea: What? I can't imagine anything could go wrong here.

Remember how I said we totally got out of new dollification this year?

Dreaming of a Late Christmas

Yeah, NO. We've got a new chick named Darcy. She looks a lot like this other girl I know named Otters but she wears big ugly purple glasses and I don't like her because new dolls bring nothing but suffering and bugnuts as proven by our last addition.

*sigh* How come one measly little Evie isn't enough for these people? We had an Evie and a Maddie and everything was working out great. :(

Maddie is some kind of awesome ninja. She told me today she found a doll in a box in another room. But the doll's all packed up and looking to be shipped OUT instead of coming here to join us.

Ha. I guess we got our Christmas after all - no new dolls!

The meatbag disappeared over Christmas. Well, Luna disappeared over Christmas too but I wasn't worried about that. I figured she finally learned to make herself disappear. I was going to throw a party and everything.

Turns out the meatbag dragged Luna with her to Texas. I'd get mad about not being The Chosen One but, well. It's Texas. Land of the Cowpies. I'm kinda glad she took Luna instead.

They're both back now, and the meatbag's had her own Christmas, but we still haven't had ours. We finally gave up and changed out of our holiday fancy stuff back into regular clothes. She keeps telling us we'll have our own Christmas soon, but it was over two weeks ago now so I'm not buying it.

Plus, she spent way too long buying things on the computer yesterday and Maddie says she suspects we're getting another new doll for Christmas. That is not a Christmas present, people. That is some horrible form of punishment. She's already got me - she can't possibly get a doll any cooler than that (this has been proven with the arrival of Luna, who is at least 80% less cool than I am).

Oh, and in other news, Samantha's back with her new head. She's still a little floppy and still falls over sometimes, but she doesn't look like death warmed over anymore. Nellie's thrilled to have her back. I dunno what's so great about dressing all frilly and drinking tea, but oh well.

I have to go search the room for hidden Christmas presents now, just to make sure the meatbag isn't messing with us.

Meatbag put us in our holiday clothes today. Maddie's wearing her white sweater and blue skirt instead of her green dress. I got to wear my overalls again.

... Luna's wearing a sweater and blue Santa hat with an ugly paisley dress. I don't even know.

And Samantha disappeared today. I was ready to guess alien abduction or a fall off a cliff but Nellie straightened us out. I guess Meatbag got tired of Samantha flopping all over the place and looking like death warmed over, so she got her naked and shipped her off to the doll hospital. When Samantha comes back she'll look all shiny and new and not at all like a six year old squeezed the life out of her.

By the way, how terrifying is it that there's a hospital for dolls? I better not EVER find myself naked in a box being sent off there or I'll personally oversee Meatbag's messy demise.

Meatbag found Maddie's way old princess costume right before Halloween, but she never found my Catwoman costume. Maddie didn't wear her costume since I didn't have mine. We spent Halloween in our regular clothes, moping. Meatbag spent it drinking someone else's wine. Next year had better be an improvement over this one or we'll start attacking her ponies with Sharpies.

We had a pajama party today. Luna showed us everything she learned about Wikipedia.

Pajama Party

I don't think we'll ever get Nellie on the computer after this. She whimpered when I fired it up to write here.

And finally, we got the new Futurama movie a week ago. Maddie thought it was great, but that's because it was a giant Lord of the Dungeons and Dragons nerdfest. I watch Futurama for robots and spaceships and there were nowhere NEAR enough in the last movie. Come ON, the first movie had like a million spaceships and SOLID GOLD DEATH STARS. The other movies have been total letdowns after that.

Oh, but now Luna thinks there's wizards and centaurs in the future. We're not even going to bother correcting her cuz it takes too long and you can't change her mind anyhow. This is why we can't have nice things new dolls. They're bugnuts.

Meatbag has ruined my favorite holiday. We had *wicked awesome* costumes and Meatbag packed them away and put them in storage. The ONLY way she can make up for storing my Catwoman costume would be by making me a Joker costume and Meatbag fails at sewing.

(Also, shut up, Batman movies are NOT for nerds no matter what Maddie says. It's not my fault the movies have fast cars and explosions and purple pinstripe suits.)

Maddie had a new costume she was going to wear this year - it's all wenchy and medieval the way she likes - but that's in storage too. She's not as traumatized over it as I am but that's because she sucks at Halloween.

Luna's been spending all her time asking dumb questions about trick or treating. We tried to tell her about dressing up and getting candy from the neighbors. Then we ran out of Snickers bars on Thursday and she tried to walk next door and ask for new ones. Seriously, how do wizards even function when they're this bugnuts? Good thing they've got magic or they'd be getting run over by buses or something.

Finally, Meatbag's been spotted researching new dolls. Something about a "Sunny-Lee." We do not need a new doll in the house. Perhaps some duct tape and an axe will convince her of this.

I have to go watch cartoons and plot now.

Moving: we hate it.

The dolliegaggle had to move in batches, but finally we're all here. We don't get to have our bunk bed at the house, but Maddie and Luna and I get to share one of the shelves in the bookshelf. And Nellie's in the shelf above ours, so we still get to talk to her a lot. And the meatbag's doing a decent job of taking us out of the furniture and letting us run around.

Meatbag knew I was angry and liable to chew some holes in her pajamas, so she gave me some awesome extra grooming time. I am now the coolest no-longer-Jess doll on the block because I have awesome curly hair. Neener neener, I'm the greatest cuz I'm the only one here with curls. Well, Luna's hair curls at the end but as I might have mentioned before she is BUGNUTS CRAZY and doesn't count.

Finally, we got ourselves some new handmade swag. Luna got some armwarmers that matched her tights and I got a way loud shrug and matching headband. I love them but the meatbag says we can also sell them to get whole new bits of swag - including PJs. I haven't decided what to do yet.

We are SO HAPPY the move is over. Oh man. The next time meatbag moves, it better be because she married a gajillionaire toy collector.

Perhaps we won't kill the meatbag after all. Our power went out at 10:30 this morning and didn't go back on until 5:00. I thought this stupid town was run by scientists. Why they can't get, I dunno, A SIMPLE LIGHTBULB to work is beyond me. After over six hours of not having air conditioning we are totally on board with getting the heck out of here.

Plus we are getting lots of attention as models for all the meatbag's crafty stuff. I got to model a fantastically loud poncho for some knitting website. Luna got to model one too but mine was clearly the superior poncho, plus I'm way cuter than she is, plus I don't talk about how the way the dumb thing is knit keeps away the nargles, plus I'm not BUGNUTS CRAZY.

(I am convinced nargles are just the wizarding term for headlice. Or brainsuckers. The latter's way more likely where Luna's concerned.)

Finally, I am getting an awesome scarf made just for me - none of the other dolls has one like it just yet. And even if they do, I get the very first one. It looks like a dead Muppet - it's pink and red and purple and furry and soft and super loud! I think I will call it my Yip Yip scarf, because almost nothing is cooler than the Yip Yips.

"Yipyipyipyipyip... cow? Cow. MoooOOOOOOO!" Totally awesome.

We are moving. Relatedly, we are plotting meatbag's death before her 30 days' notice is up.

We have been discussing birthdays and arrival dates in the house lately. This is kinda because none of us have birthdays, but also because the most important day of the whole entire year is fast approaching: May 14th, the day I graced these other lowly dolls with my presence exactly one year ago. Before that I was shoved into a box and stuffed into someone's attic until the meatbag's mother had me put on eBay Airlines. Ever since then the quality of dolls around here has increased approximately 600%. I have tested this scientifically, with tools and everything.

Anyway! Arrival dates. I guess most of us are Christmas dolls. We're really unsure of the dates, but we think they go something like this:

Samantha - December 25, 1990
Felicity - December 25, 1992
Addy - December 25, 1993
Madelaine - Sometime in the spring of 1996? We have NO idea for her!
Kirsten - December 25, 1997
Josefina - December 25, 1998
Evie - May 14th, 2007
Nellie - December 25th, 2007
Luna - March 30, 2008

Samantha thought she got here in 1991, but she remembers being the only doll for at least two years before Felicity showed up. And we know for sure that Addy got here the same year as her release because the meatbag was apparently a gigantic pain in the hinder to her parents all year long and wouldn't stop squealing when Addy showed up under the Christmas tree. Maddie says she was some kind of reward for the meatbag doing decent in school but no one remembers exactly when she got here.

My point is, that makes an awful lot of us Old Fart Dolls. Samantha is over seventeen years old! Josefina will be ten this year! Madelaine's twelve. I am planning on getting all of them Polident for Christmas this year for all their old lady needs.

Finally, we are getting ready to do a new group picture soon. The only other one we took didn't have Nellie or Luna in it and lots of us looked like dorks. We need us a new family picture.

That is all! I must now return to my exhausting schedule of watching pirate movies and convincing Luna that pirates don't keep wands in their peg legs, not even if they're made out of birch and dragonstring (seriously, something is Not Right In The Head with that girl).

We are having a week long pajama party in celebration of ... absolutely nothing, actually. We don't do doll birthdays around here the way other dolls seem to do (heck, half of us have no idea when our birthday is so we celebrate the day we arrived here instead), so sometimes we have to throw pajama parties just for the sake of hanging out in PJs and watching cartoons.

On that note, Luna is the least fun person to watch cartoons with in the history of the world. Even Nellie gets cartoons, and she's from like a hundred years ago. Luna keeps talking and asking questions and connecting things to weird stuff she learned at school and I keep telling Maddie I am going to duct tape her out on the porch if she doesn't learn to stuff it.

Finally, the meatbag is packing up the place in between bouts of making a million doll scarves and headbands and whatnot. The historicals are muttering about the Dark Days of the Trunk and the Bleak Days of the Closet again. I didn't think the closet days were that bad, but I wasn't here for the trunk days so maybe everyone got traumatized or something.

I am off to watch another bunch of Futurama episodes. It's one of the few cartoons where Luna actually shuts up a little bit so this will be a lot more enjoyable than when we tried to watch Sailormoon.

Never. Again.

Ever since Luna got here, she and Maddie have been bonding over how the rest of the dolliegaggle would be sorted at Hogwarts. Maddie decided ages ago she'd be a Ravenclaw, and I guess Luna agrees because she didn't fight her on it (which is a shame, because I would have paid good money to see a decent nerd battle). They also decided I would be in Slytherin since I cause the most trouble (I guess Slytherins are troublemakers and rich snobby kids). According to Maddie, so far the rest of us are...

1. Nellie: Hufflepuff. This is because she is a fantastic loyal friend to us, and also she's cannon fodder. I know because they are the first to get snuffed in the books.

2. Addy: Gryffindor. This is because she used to be a slave, but she ran away with her mom. Not only that, she left her baby sister, big brother, and dad behind. This is way braver than anything the rest of us have done - even braver than that one time I tried to explain to Maddie that Tolkien is boring and his books are stupid. I thought she was gonna strangle me.

3. Josefina: Hufflepuff. This is because she's a loyal friend to Samantha and also because she's boring as all get-out. Maddie tells me that being shy is not the same as being boring, but she is wrong.

4. Kirsten: Gryffindor. Kirsten once had a showdown with a bear and won. I guess that's what happens when you're secretly a cyborg, but I guess it's enough to shove her in Gryffindor anyhow.

They haven't figured out what house Samantha and Felicity should go in. There's no house for people who fall over a lot or people who like scowling at handwriting lessons and decide to watch Futurama instead.

ANYWAY! The meatbag has been devoting an awful lot of time to making us scarves for our houses. Luna's got her blocked up scarf and I guess her blue one with the white stripes is in the works. I've got a blocked up Slytherin scarf that's getting the fringe finished. Maddie got an awesome blue, green, and purple striped thing but she'll be getting a Ravenclaw one too.

Hey thanks, meatbag, we needed some swag. Except, you know, IT'S APRIL. Sometimes I'm convinced she's just not right in the head.

I'm also hearing rumors that the meatbag is going to start mass-producing the stupid things and selling them. I suspect this is so she can fund her pony habit, but she's said it's so she can buy us more swag without feeling guilty. I don't believe it for a second.

So now I'm off. I'm trying to organize a swinging pajama party so we can watch dumb cartoons in comfort and style.

So we found out who the new doll is. It turns out the new doll is crazy-pants bugnuts insane. Her name is Luna and I guess she jumped out of a Harry Potter book somewhere because I've never met a fictional character before, much less a doll of one.

Anyway, we took pictures of the whole ordeal. Now I'm retreating to my toybox to recover. Ponies make everything better.

A Wild Luna Appears!

Oh, we also took pictures for icons. We've got two new ones now: one of crazy-pants, and one of Nellie and Samantha.

So we settled on a new name for me. Evangelin Jessica, Evie for short. The Jessica part is a reference to my first name when I got here. So now my name is kinda like Maddie's. Her full name is Madelaine Sunshine, since her first name when she got here was Sunny. I kinda like that we have that in common.

Also, the meatbag helped us get a picture story up. Ever since we made it she's been giving me some extra attention so I guess things are going to be okay around here. Anyway, here you go:

Evie and Madelaine Investigate Shenanigans

Lightning fast stealth post before the meatbag goes to bed!

I am an internet ninja and have discovered the meatbag's frolicking on eBay, the land from whence I came. There is worrisome stuff on there, including a bunch of clothing purchases that Maddie and I would never even dream of wearing. I think we have a new doll arriving soon. Maddie used to think I was just being paranoid, but then I asked her who in their right mind would wear rainbow crazy sunglasses and she had to admit she didn't know.

The only hint the meatbag will give us is telling us to read the Harry Potter books. Which Maddie did ages and ages ago, but I've only gotten through the first two. They're BORING. I'm sorry, I just don't care about flying on a broom or stupid magic rocks or a bathroom that leads to a cave of snakey doom (well ... that last one is kinda sorta cool). Maddie says they get better after the third one but she said almost the same thing about Tolkien and she was six kinds of wrong. Nellie offered to read them with me so maybe I'll take her up on that. Reading is just so dull most of the time (Maddie says I am a blasphemer for thinking so).

Also! We are slowly coming up with new names for me. My biggest demand with a new name is that it has to come with a cute nickname I will answer to. So far the ones I like best are:

1. Evangelin/Evangeline. The meatbag called me Vangie the other night and I thought it was kind of cute. Maddie then suggested Evie as a nickname and I like that too.

2. Penelope Jessica, PeeJee or PJ for short. We all like this since it incorporates my first name. The only problem is that Penelope sounds an awful lot like Nellie. But it's not like we'd be using my full name anyway.

3. Isabelle, Izzy for short. Except Maddie said there's a doctor show on TV with a girl by that name who has slowly gotten more and more lame as the show went on, so I'm not sure how I'd feel about sharing a name with a twit.

And finally - further evidence that we are getting a new doll in the house! Last weekend the meatbag brought us presents. Maddie got a stuffed elephant. I got a stuffed tiger. There was one more stuffed ... thing in the bag, but it wasn't for Nellie. And we weren't allowed to look at it. And the meatbag was talking about how it would need to be "altered" before a doll would be able to play with it. We suspect shenanigans.

Holy something or other. A bunch of stuff happened between now and the last post and we still don't have pictures, because the meatbag is a failure. That's right. I said it, and I stand by it. (Samantha never stands by anything she says because she's all floppy.)

So. The meatbag learned how to make us shinier. Felicity, Kirsten (who told me I'd been spelling her name wrong - oops), Samantha, and Maddie all got makeovers. They've all got LIPS now what with being refurbished with the meatbag's blush. She also finally learned how to make French braids - after 24 years of failure, might I add - so Maddie and I are both stylish, elegant, and poised. Well, Maddie is anyway.

AND! We got a new arrival on Christmas! Her name is Nellie. Samantha said Nellie was her best friend back in their historical period, but things are a little different now. I guess historical!Nellie was all quiet and sad and lame and Samantha had to rescue her from being a hobo. But this Nellie is really strong-willed and clever and quick and not at all what Samantha expected. So Samantha is still best friends with Josefina and we got ourselves a new doll to corrupt.

That's the other thing. Nellie likes her dresses and all, but lately she's been digging into the clothes Maddie and I wear. She likes watching pirate movies with me, and also likes talking about the NERDIEST BOOKS EVER with Maddie.

And finally! The meatbag and I had a discussion about my name. Do you know how many Jesses there are out there you guys? I counted, and the answer is: a bunch. It's like all the Samanthas and Kirstens and Kits and what have you. So we're working on getting me a nice new name. Then this will no longer be the Jess Journal. It will be the Journal Formerly Known as Jess's. Or maybe I'll just use a crazy unpronounceable symbol as my name. I'm thinking about using this one:

Breaking news!

The human lost her camera USB cable. The human found her camera USB cable. The human hooked the camera up to the computer. The camera promptly had a narcoleptic fit and died.

Now the human has lost her camera charger.

Bad news: we have no pictures of the new dwelling tour. Woe, tragedy, etc.

Good news: I have embarrassing pictures of our grooming session from right before the move! ( Blackmail photos under this here cut. )

Hopefully next time I post there'll be a grand apartment tour of all the crap the human brought with her.

I are Jess. This are Jess journal. Mostly, anyway. Felicity doesn't want anything to do with the computer, Kirstin would probably break it, Josefina isn't interested, and Madelaine doesn't find the internet as hi-larious as I do. I sincerely believe this is because of a genetic defect that makes her suck.

Just sayin.

Addy keeps telling me of the Dark Days of the Trunk. Some of them are having flashbacks to that because these days are the Bleak Days of the Closet. I guess before I got here the others got stuffed in a trunk for two years because the human thought she was too cool for dolls. Joke's on the human because she's a big lame nerd, so after two years in said trunk they got set free. But they were dark years. Very dark. No lights, you see.

Madelaine informs me that is not in the least bit funny. But Madelaine's sense of humor is busted.

Anyhow, the human's moving from one place to another so most of our things got shoved in boxes and we got shoved in the closet. We do not enjoy the closet. It's full of dustbunnies, clothes from the 90s, and a giant black Maleficent dragon plush that terrifies Josefina (whereas I have dreams of harnessing and riding it).

But the Bleak Days of the Closet are coming to an end! The human says we'll be moving into the new apartment this weekend. We are going to celebrate by trying to convince Madelaine that she needs green hair. If that fails, we'll just get into our pajamas and watch cartoons all weekend long.

(By the way, how much did pajamas suck throughout history? Felicity has the world's dumbest hat she has to wear to bed, Josefina's is just another long shirt with no underwear, and I don't want to know how many pink frilly poodles had to give up their lives in order to create Samantha's nightgown.)

Soon we shall have pictures of the new place, pictures of us to use as icons, and a bunch of boxes we want to set fire to since we've been living in them for a month.

The human totally owes us for this.